Escape to Thyme Inn: South Africa's Hidden Greenway Gem
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving deep into a hotel review experience. I'm talking a warts-and-all, spilled coffee-on-the-comforter, forgot-my-toothbrush-again kind of ride. And the subject? Well, let's just say we're taking a gander at [Hotel Name]. Let's see if it's a paradise, or just a pretty picture.
First Impressions & The Accessibility Avalanche (or, Where We Start Worrying About My Ankles)
Let's face it, the first thing I do when I get to a place is wander around like a lost puppy. And with accessibility, that first wander really matters. So, good news: From the jump, it's looking pretty promising for folks with mobility concerns. They actually call out "Facilities for disabled guests." Which is a HUGE CHECK! And a real plus, no getting blindsided later on. Elevators are a must-have, naturally (check!), and I'm always looking for easy access to the front desk. (More on that later). They also have "Wheelchair accessible" listed. Excellent! But I'm not going to lie, I need to see it to believe it fully. I'm a sucker for a good ramp.
They also seem to have some kind of "Safety/Security Feature" everywhere. Hmmm, I wonder what that is?
Digital Detox or Wi-Fi Woes? (Because, Let's Be Real, We All Need Insta)
Okay, Wi-Fi. The bane of my existence, and the lifeline of every millennial. "Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" YES! Okay, deep breath. "Internet access – wireless" in the rooms which is what I want. "Internet [LAN]" is listed, which is cool for, you know, the wired-in folks, but I'm wireless all the way. They also list "Wi-Fi for special events," so maybe they have good coverage in the meeting rooms, too. And if I'm honest? I wouldn’t mind sitting around in the "Wi-Fi in public areas". Hopefully, it's not the dial-up they used in the 90s. Nothing worse than a buffering vacation.
The Spa & Relaxation Rituals (Because, Hello, Time to Unwind)
Alright, this is where I get really interested. "Spa," "Sauna," "Steamroom," "Swimming pool," "Pool with view." Yes, please. Okay, let's slow down. "Foot bath" sounds divine. "Body scrub," and "Body wrap" are right up my alley. I need a bit of a scrub down after traveling, right? I can't vouch for how good it is but I'll believe it when I see it, or feel it, rather. "Massage". Oh, yes. I'm gonna get on a massage table. "Gym/fitness". I'll probably look at the gym. Maybe. "Fitness center," same deal, except they're nice enough to call it a "center".
The Food Fight: Dining, Drinking, and Snacking (Because, Food Is Life)
Okay, the important stuff. "Restaurants." Plural! Bless them. "Room service [24-hour]". Hallelujah! Coffee and a croissant at 3 a.m.? Sign me up. "Asian, International, and Western cuisine in restaurant." Sounds like they're trying to cover all the bases. "A la carte in restaurant." Fine dining! "Buffet in restaurant." I like a buffet, but I love an a la carte. "Breakfast [buffet]" and "Breakfast service" are also listed, so I guess your choice should be a buffet. "Coffee shop." Essential. "Bar." Also essential. "Poolside bar." Double essential! "Happy hour." Okay, they're speaking my language. "Desserts in restaurant," "Snack bar," "Salad in restaurant," "Soup in restaurant," "Vegetarian restaurant." Alright, they're thinking of everyone.
Plus! "Bottle of water" is a godsend. I can't live without water.
Cleanliness & Safety: Is This Place Germ-Free? (Because, Pandemic Blues)
Okay, let's get real. We're all a little germ-phobic now, right? "Anti-viral cleaning products." Okay, good start. "Daily disinfection in common areas." Nice. "Room sanitization opt-out available." Interesting. "Rooms sanitized between stays." Essential. "Sanitized kitchen and tableware items." Phew! "Hand sanitizer," "Staff trained in safety protocol." That's what I want to hear. "Physical distancing of at least 1 meter," "Safe dining setup." "Cashless payment service." I like this. "Individually-wrapped food options." So they're taking care of it. Even "Hot water linen and laundry washing." Okay, they're really doing everything.
For the Kids (Assuming You Have Any, or Want to be Around Them)
"Babysitting service." Handy if you need it. "Family/child friendly," and "Kids facilities." Okay, kid-friendly. "Kids meal." Excellent.
Rooms, Rooms, Glorious Rooms (Because Where You Sleep Matters)
"Air conditioning." Please be strong! "Alarm clock." Helpful. "Bathrobes." I love a good hotel robe. "Bathtub," "Separate shower/bathtub." Luxury! "Blackout curtains." Crucial for sleep. "Coffee/tea maker," "Complimentary tea," "Free bottled water." Yes! "Hair dryer." Essential. "High floor." I love a view. "In-room safe box." Always a good idea. "Internet access – wireless." Again, yes. "Ironing facilities." I usually look like I've slept in a suitcase, so… maybe. "Laptop workspace." "Mini bar." "Non-smoking," "Private bathroom," "Refrigerator," "Satellite/cable channels." "Seating area," "Slippers," "Soundproofing," "Wake-up service," "Wi-Fi [free]." Sounding good.
Services & Conveniences: (The Stuff That Makes Life Easier)
"Concierge." A godsend for questions. "Currency exchange." Helpful. "Daily housekeeping." Yay! "Doorman." Classy. "Dry cleaning," "Elevator." Must have. "Ironing service." See above. "Laundry service." Also helpful. "Luggage storage," "Safety deposit boxes." "Taxi service," "Valet parking."
Things To Do & Getting There (The Extras)
They have "Airport transfer" which is very helpful. They also have "Car park [free of charge]", and "Car park [on-site]".
My Experience, In Vivid Detail (or, The Part Where I Get Real)
Okay, so, I'm trying to book and I'm finding myself on the hotel's website. I'm trying to make my way through the website, I want to book online, but the photos are a little meh. I was really hoping for more pizzazz. I had my first real reaction!
The Arrival: Getting to the hotel was the easiest part. I decided to pay a little more for the valet parking! I thought, "why not, I'm on vacation!" This was one of the best decisions to make, since I can't be bothered to parallel park.
The Room: A Sanctuary… Almost: I got lucky and scored a room on a high floor. The view was spectacular, absolutely breathtaking - city lights twinkling at night and sunshine pouring in the morning. The bed? Heavenly. I sank into it like a cartoon character. I fell in love. The bathroom, however, had one minor issue. The shower pressure was a bit… anemic. Like, barely a trickle. But the bathrobes were as fluffy as promised, which made up for a lot. But the toilet? The toilet was almost too low down. If you have any knee issues, this is not the place for you.
The Food Fiasco (and the Delightful Recovery): I decided to try the restaurant - "International." The menu was extensive, and seemed a bit overwhelming, but it did have a vegetarian option that I appreciated. I ordered a salad, and it came, and it was.. ehh. Bland. I was a bit disappointed. I could make a better salad at home. But later? I went for the happy hour at the Poolside bar. Which was incredible. The cocktails were creative, the snacks were delicious, and the view was stunning. That happy hour saved the day.
The Spa (or, Heaven on Earth): I had a massage. Oh my god. It was hands-down, the best massage of my life. The masseuse was a magician, kneading away all my stress and turning me into a puddle of bliss. I might have actually drooled. Don't judge me. I was in heaven. I ended up staying there for an hour afterwards!
**The Internet: (A Tale of Two Wi-F
Okay, buckle up, buttercups! This isn't your perfectly-manicured travelogue. This is a diary from the trenches, a love letter (and a few frustrated sighs) to Thyme Inn on the Greenway, South Africa. Here we go…
Operation: Thyme Inn – Attempt 1 (aka: My Brain is Already Fogged)
Day 1: Arrival & "Oh Dear God, Is This Real?" Moment
- Morning (Let's Pretend I Got Up "Early"): Okay, so the flight? Let's just say I may or may not have snuck a miniature bottle of something… medicinal… onto the plane. Landing in Cape Town – glorious as the postcards, but I'm convinced the sun is literally trying to fry my brain. And the airport? Chaos. Beautiful chaos. Found the rental place (after circling it three times because, yes, I'm directionally challenged). The car? Named it "Betsy." She's beige. Feels appropriate.
- Midday (The Drive… and the Panic): Google Maps, bless its digital heart, promised a "scenic" drive to Thyme Inn. Scenic it was. Terrifying it was. Those South African roads?! Tight corners that I'm pretty sure Betsy wasn't designed for. At one point, I swear I saw a baboon give me the side-eye. Pretty sure it was judging my driving skills.
- Afternoon (Arrival – and Deep, Deep Sigh of Relief): Finally. Finally. Thyme Inn. Oh. My. Goodness. It’s… charming. Like, aggressively charming. Think fairy lights draped over every possible surface, a garden that’s exploded with life (seriously, there were flowers I’d never even seen before), and a small, ginger cat who promptly deemed me worthy of chin scratches. The view from my room… okay, I almost cried. Not going to lie. It's vast, green, and completely makes up for the near-death driving experience.
- Evening (Dinner-esque Thing Attempt… and a Surprise): Dinner at the lodge. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. Or if 'wrong' just means, the food was incredible, and the wine practically poured itself into my glass. I then may or may not have spent a solid hour chatting with the owner, a woman named Eleanor who has the kind of laugh that can cure anything. She told stories about the local wildlife (baboons that are apparently master thieves!), the history of the area, and the joys and challenges of running such a magical place. Major Imperfection: Tried to take a photo of the sunset over the valley… and accidentally deleted it. It's a tragedy. I'm still quietly weeping inside.
Day 2: The Garden of Eden (and My Attempt to Eat Like a Rabbit)
- Morning (Breakfast of Champions – and I'm Suddenly a Health Nut): Breakfast! Holy. Moly. Freshly baked bread, fruit that tastes like pure sunshine, and enough muesli to keep me going until the end of the week. Swore I’d attempt to be healthy. Like, actually healthy.
- Midday (The Garden… My Happy Place): The garden. Oh, the garden. Spent the morning wandering through it. They say you can get lost in the moment, I got lost in the literal maze of herbs, flowers, and secret nooks. Did a little gardening (more like playing with dirt, tbh). Discovered I have a love/hate relationship with the smell of rosemary. Quirky Observation: Saw a bee the size of my thumb wrestling with a particularly large sunflower. Watched for a good ten minutes. Life goals.
- Afternoon (The Hike… and the Near-Death Experience Part 2): Decided to be "adventurous." Eleanor told me about a waterfall hike. "Easy," she said. Lies. All lies. Up, up, UP we went. Betsy would have done better. My legs felt like lead bricks. But the waterfall at the top? Worth it. Utterly and completely worth it.
- Evening (Dinner and the 'Eleanor Factor'): Dinner again. Eleanor joined us. I now believe she is a fairy godmother in disguise. Her stories are addictive. Tonight, we talked about the politics of the baboons (apparently, there's a hierarchy, just like humans. Who knew?) and about the most peculiar guest she's had, some eccentric who had, and I quote, "brought their own crystals."
Day 3: Sun Worship, Wine Tasting, and the Great Food Coma of '24
- Morning (Beach Bliss - And Trying Not to Get Roasted like a Tomato): Beach day! Drove to a nearby beach. Gorgeous. Sand. Ocean. Bliss. Except I forgot sunscreen. And now I'm pinker than a flamingo on a sugar rush. Emotional Reaction: The ocean, man. It just… gets you. All the worries, all the stresses, just washed away.
- Midday (Wine Tasting – and My New Religion): Wine tasting! Because, South Africa. And because, well, duh. The vineyards were incredible, the views were stunning, and the wine… oh, the wine. Found a Pinotage that practically sang to my soul. Rambling Alert: The Pinotage… it's like a hug in a glass. Seriously. Deep, rich, complex. I may or may not have purchased a case. Don't judge.
- Afternoon (Back at Thyme Inn – and the Food Coma): More food. Eleanor's cooking is pure wizardry. Somehow, she managed to make vegetables actually taste delicious. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be rolled out of the dining room.
- Evening (Stargazing… and a Quiet Moment): Sat outside and looked at the stars. The sky here… you can lose yourself in it. Just quiet. Peaceful. Perfect.
Day 4: My Day of a Thousand Activities and Near-Total Exhaustion
- Morning (Horseback Riding-ish): Decided to be daring. Horseback riding. (I'm not really an equestrian, let's be honest. More like horse-adjacent). Fell in love with my horse after a wobbly start! Did a whole lot of walking, some trotting, but ultimately, I loved it.
- Midday (The Spa…My Body is a Jellyfish): Spent hours at the spa. Massages. Facials. The whole shebang. I am now a puddle of happy. My body feels like it has been reborn.
- Afternoon (Cooking Class-ish): Took a cooking class! Learnt how to make Bobotie, a traditional South African dish. It was fun, but also, I'm terrible at following directions. (I may or may not have set the oven on fire…slightly).
- Evening (Final Supper – and Goodbye Feels): The last supper. Ate all the food. Felt a wave of sadness knowing I was leaving. But also. I'm exhausted.
Day 5: Departure – And a Promise to Return (Eventually)
- Morning (Last Breakfast – Tears?): One last glorious breakfast. Eleanor gave me a hug. I’m pretty sure I teared up. She’s the best.
- Midday (The Drive… Again. But this time, with fond memories.): The drive back to the airport was tinged with the bittersweet. The scenery, the air, the whole vibe of the place… it's intoxicating. I'm already planning my return. Final Emotional Reaction: Thyme Inn… you stole a piece of my heart. And I don't even mind.
Postscript (aka: The Real Truth)
This trip wasn't perfect. I got lost. I burnt my skin. I cried (a little). I ate too much. But it was real. It was messy. It was hilarious. And it was utterly, utterly unforgettable. Now, time to book those flights again…
Sherwood Park's BEST Hotel? (IHG Holiday Inn Express Review!)
1. My socks are always disappearing. Is it a conspiracy?
Oh, you sweet, innocent soul. You're onto something. I swear, it's like they're recruited by Big Sock at a young age. Used to think it was the dryer. "Munch, munch," the dryer would go, *poof*! Gone. But then I got a new dryer, and the problem persisted. I’ve even *checked* the dryer… which, by the way, is a truly depressing experience. You stand there, surrounded by lint bunnies, looking like a lonely detective on a case of, what, missing athletic socks? And nothing. Only the emptiness that awaits us all. So, yeah. Conspiracy. Probably. Maybe the cats are in on it. Mine certainly have the air of hidden knowledge.
2. How do I actually *fold* fitted sheets? Seriously. Is there a secret society?
Fitted sheets? Don't even get me started. I've spent entire afternoons battling those elastic monstrosities. I follow YouTube tutorials, I watch my mother, I... nothing. I truly believe the instructions were written by aliens who were trying to drive us all slowly, and utterly, mad. The best I can manage is a lumpy, vaguely rectangular blob that *slightly* resembles a sheet. I'm convinced the secret society is real, though. They probably meet in laundromats, shrouded in the scent of Bounce dryer sheets, and laugh at our pathetic attempts. My therapist says I need to "let go" of the fitted sheet folding frustration. I’m currently working on that. Emphasis on "working."
3. Is there a *correct* way to sort laundry? Bleach first? Whites last? Does it even matter?
Okay, so this is where things get personal. I’ve tried everything. The "experts" say, "Separate your whites, your colors, your delicates ..." Blah, blah, blah. Once, I actually *did* meticulously sort everything. Five different hampers! And then… my kid, in a moment of pure, creative enthusiasm, decided to paint the entire dining room table with… black ink. Which, of course, got transferred directly to the "whites" load, which I hadn't even *finished* sorting. So, now, I do a semi-sort. Whites, lights, darks… and then the "oh, the heck with it, it's all going in together" pile. It's a gamble. Sometimes I win. Sometimes, a favorite shirt turns a delightful shade of… not the original color. Still, I live and learn.
4. Laundry detergent: Liquid? Pods? Powder? Which is actually the *least* likely to explode and coat my entire laundry room in sticky, perfumed goo?
Ah, the eternal question. Let me tell you a story. I once had a *terrifying* experience with laundry pods. I swear, they're like tiny, brightly colored grenades of cleaning power. I went to grab one for my washing machine... and *bam*! One of the pods *exploded* in my hand! Sticky, blue goo everywhere. My face, my arms, even the ceiling! The scent of fresh linen assaulted my senses. It was a total disaster. I looked like I'd been attacked by a sentient cleaning supply. It took me, like, an hour, and a LOT of scrubbing, to clean myself up. I’ve since, gone back to liquid. It’s… marginally less explosive. Still, every time I pour it, I expect the damn bottle to go rogue. My kitchen is a constant hazard.
5. Is there a laundry black hole residing at the back of the dryer?
Yes. Without a doubt. It's sucking in everything! It's powered by a combination of lost socks, errant dryer sheets, and the shattered dreams of anyone who's ever tried to fold a fitted sheet. I've reached in there and… nothing. Just darkness and the faint scent of fabric softener. Sometimes, I swear, I feel a slight gravitational pull. You know? Like it's calling to me? It’s the *laundry vortex*, I tell you. And one day, it'll swallow us all.
6. What's the best way to remove that lingering "teenager" smell from a load of laundry?
Oh, the aroma of adolescence. A mix of sweat, despair, and questionable hygiene practices. I’ve tried everything. Extra detergent. Triple rinses. The nuclear option (aka bleach, which can backfire spectacularly). Honestly? The best I’ve found is a combination of patience and a *very strong* sense of humor. And maybe a hazmat suit. Seriously, sometimes the stink is… impressive. Okay, look, I love my kids. Truly, I do. But their clothes? They're a biohazard. I suspect there are biological weapons designed to be just as stinky. Just embrace the funk, people. Embrace it. It will eventually (hopefully) pass.
7. Can you *actually* get wrinkles out of clothes with the "tumble dry, low" method? Does it work?
"Tumble dry, low"? More like "tumble dry, despair." It's a lie, I tell you! A beautiful, optimistic lie, but a lie nonetheless. Every. Single. Time. I try it, I end up with clothes that look like they’ve been through a war… a *wrinkle* war, of course. I’ve tried everything. Different settings, the fluff cycle, even throwing in ice cubes (a tip I found online that I immediately regretted). The only thing that *ever* works is a good old-fashioned iron (which I hate with a fiery passion) or a trip to the dry cleaners (ditto). The "tumble dry, low" setting is just a cruel joke played on the sleep-deprived and laundry-weary masses. And quite honestly? I suspect it’s just a way to sell more irons. The laundry industrial complex is vast and all powerful.
