Escape to Paradise: Simply Life Hotel Taiwan Awaits
Escape to Paradise: Simply Life Hotel Taiwan Awaits - A Messy, Honest Review
Okay, alright, buckle up buttercups, because this ain't your perfectly polished travel blog! This is me, raw and unfiltered, spilling the tea (and maybe some complimentary room coffee) on my recent stay at the Simply Life Hotel in Taiwan. Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, questionable decisions, and maybe a slight obsession with complimentary slippers. Let's dive in, shall we?
(SEO Keywords/Metadata - don't worry, I'll throw those in too, but like… later. Gotta get the emotion first.)
Accessibility: A Mixed Bag, Like a Blind Date with a Buffet
Right, accessibility. Very important, obviously. And Frankly, it was… uneven. The website claimed facilities for disabled guests, which is a start, right? But actually navigating the hotel with limited mobility felt a bit like trying to herd cats. The elevator was generally reliable (thank god!), and I saw a few ramps here and there, but I'd still advise calling ahead and grilling them about specific needs. Because trust me the last thing you want during your relaxation in the spa is to find out you can't get to the spa.
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: Ummm… I honestly didn't notice any specifically "accessible" areas. There were restaurants and bars (more on those later, oh boy), but I didn't see any specific features geared towards accessibility. This needs MAJOR improvement, Simply Life!
Wheelchair accessible: See above. Partially accessible, definitely not fully. This is another area where the hotel needs major improvements.
Internet Access: The Wi-Fi Whisperer, and the LAN Lament
Okay, confession time. I'm a digital nomad wannabe. Hence. Internet is KEY.
Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!: YES! Praise the Wi-Fi gods! The free Wi-Fi in the rooms was a lifesaver. Reliable, fast enough to upload my terrible travel videos (you've been warned), and generally a huge win. I'm still finding it odd how big of a selling point this it should be, but given the sheer hell I've gone through without it, that's how you get me!
Internet: General info, it's there.
Internet [LAN]: Okay, here's where it gets a little… 90s. There was LAN availability in the rooms. Remember those? I didn't test it though, because, well, ain't nobody got time for Ethernet cables anymore.
Internet services: None specific, though.
Wi-Fi in public areas: Also available, though sometimes a little shaky. My Instagram stories suffered a few buffering hiccups, but hey, first world problems, right?
Things to Do & Ways to Relax: From Body Scrubs to Existential Dread
This is where the "Simply Life" moniker really comes into play…
Body scrub: I considered it. Then decided to eat another pastry. You know, priorities.
Body wrap: See above. The hotel's Spa area… let's just say it offered a plethora of relaxation options, more than I actually took advantage of.
Fitness center: Shudders. Nope. My idea of fitness involves vigorous arm movements while holding a fork.
Foot bath: Now this, this I could get behind. Sounds heavenly. Definitely investigating it next time.
Gym/fitness: Again, no thanks.
Massage: Ahhhhh… yes. The massage was a definite highlight. The therapist was amazing, kneading away all the travel stress and existential anxieties. It was so good, I almost fell asleep mid-massage. (Almost, I did have to make sure I got the best angles in the mirror.)
Pool with view: The outdoor pool was… underwhelming. The view was okay, not exactly "Paradise" but hey, I'm not complaining about getting to swim around. It was a bit crowded though, which somewhat dampened the relaxing vibe. Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom: Tried them all. All excellent. The sauna was a sweaty delight, the spa offered a wide range of treatments (even though I just stuck with the massage), and the steam room was a cloud of hot, moist bliss. I felt like I'd been reborn, basically.
Swimming pool: See above.
Swimming pool [outdoor]: And here again. Again, fine. Nothing to write home about, but refreshing.
Cleanliness and Safety: Germs, Be Gone! (Hopefully)
Okay, post-pandemic, safety is paramount. And Simply Life got some things right.
Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hand sanitizer, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol: All good signs! I appreciate the effort, folks. It made me feel reasonably safe, even though I constantly felt like I was forgetting something.
Breakfast in room: This was a nice touch, though I opted to explore the buffet more often (see below).
Breakfast takeaway service: Didn't use it, but a great option for those who are jet-lagged and feeling shy.
Cashless payment service: Excellent! Modern and convenient.
Doctor/nurse on call: Glad to have that option, but didn't need it.
First aid kit: Nice to know it's there, but I mostly needed second aid for my luggage.
Hot water linen and laundry washing: Standard practice.
Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Sterilizing equipment: More good signs! They are really, truly trying.
Shared stationery removed: Good. Because who needs a pen that's been touched by a million hands?
Dining and Drinking: A Gastronomic Adventure (Mostly Good, Occasionally Questionable)
Alright, let's talk food, the most important aspect of any vacation.
A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: HOLY GUACAMOLE, that's a lot of choices! The sheer variety was both exhilarating and overwhelming. let's break this down:
Breakfast Buffet: This was the star. A glorious spread of everything you could imagine - Asian specialties, Western classics, fresh fruit, pastries, the works. My diet went out the window the first morning, and I have absolutely no regrets. The only downside? The sheer volume of deliciousness made decision-making a Herculean task.
Restaurants and Bar: I tried a few. The Asian restaurant was solid, the international one was okay, and the poolside bar was perfect for… well, drinking by the pool, obviously. The happy hour was a nice touch, but the cocktails were a little… weak. Though I can't blame the bartender, the sheer number of dishes they have to serve on top of this is a feat in and of itself!
Room Service: 24-hour room service? Yes, please. I may have ordered a late-night snack or two (or three).
Vegetarian Options: Plenty! I'm not veggie, but I appreciate having good options.
Services and Conveniences: Little Perks and a Few Annoyances
Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: Okay, this is a long list! I'll just say this - the service was generally good. The staff was friendly, the concierge was helpful (when I could find them), and the daily housekeeping was a godsend. But:
The Convenience Store: It was… convenient. A little overpriced, but it had everything you might need in a pinch.
The Doorman: Smiling, efficient, and always ready with a helpful suggestion. They were truly a highlight.
Elevator: Reliable
Luggage Storage: Helpful, since I needed to store my entire wardrobe.
Ironing Service: Never used it (I'm a wrinkly traveler!), but good to know it's there.
For the Kids: A Brief Look (Because Ain't Nobody Got Time for Kids When On Vacation)
Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: I'm not traveling with kids. But I did notice family-friendly aspects. Seemed like
Budapest's Attila Hotel: Unforgettable Luxury Awaits!Simply Life Hotel Taiwan: A Whirlwind (and Slightly Disastrous) Itinerary
Okay, folks. Brace yourselves. This isn’t your meticulously planned, perfectly-executed travel diary. This is… me. And this is my attempt to conquer Taiwan and, more specifically, the Simply Life Hotel. Let’s see how badly I mess this up.
Day 1: Arrival, Jet Lag, and a Questionable Curry
- 1:00 PM (ish): Touchdown at Taoyuan International Airport. Oof. The humidity hits you like a wet towel to the face. Smells like… fried things and exhaust fumes? Could be a good sign! Already regretting not packing more deodorant.
- 1:30 PM: Found the airport train! Success! (Cue triumphant internal music). Seriously, navigating public transport after a transpacific flight feels like winning the lottery.
- 2:30 PM: Arrive at Simply Life Hotel. The lobby is gorgeous. Minimalist chic, bright colours, lots of plants. I am instantly smitten. This is going to be amazing. (Famous. Last. Words.)
- 3:00 PM: Check-in. The staff is impossibly friendly, and my room? Tiny, but perfect. View of… a brick wall. Ah, well. Perspective, right?
- 3:30 PM: Attempt to unpack. Fail. Jet lag kicks in like a seasoned judo master. My brain is mush. I’m pretty sure I put my socks in the freezer.
- 4:00 PM: Venture out in search of food. "Embrace the chaos," I whisper to myself.
- 4:30 PM: Discover a tiny, unassuming curry shop. Sign outside says "Authentic Taiwanese Curry." My stomach growls. This is the kind of culinary adventure I live for!
- 5:00 PM: Order. The curry arrives. It's a… vibrant orange. The smell… is… well, it exists.
- 5:15 PM: First bite. Oh dear God. It's more sweet than spicy, it's got a strange, almost medicinal aftertaste, AND there are some seriously questionable looking chunks of something in there. I can feel my optimism deflating like a punctured balloon.
- 5:30 PM: End up surreptitiously feeding most of my curry to a stray, very discerning-looking cat outside. (Sorry, Taiwan.)
- 6:00 PM: Wander aimlessly, feeling like a zombie. Buy a bubble tea to numb the pain of the curry experience. The bubble tea is great.
Day 2: Temples, Temples, and a Temple-Run Gone Wrong
- 9:00 AM: Wake up. Still tired. Blame the curry-induced nightmares. It involved giant, sentient orange curries chasing me through a noodle factory.
- 10:00 AM: Decide I need culture. Head to Longshan Temple. It's… breathtaking. The intricate carvings, the incense smoke, the sheer energy of the place. Wow. Actually wow.
- 11:30 AM: Get completely, utterly lost on the way to another temple. (My sense of direction is abysmal. Ask anyone). End up wandering through a bustling, vibrant market. The smells – spices, fruits, something that smells suspiciously like fried intestines (I'm not brave enough to confirm).
- 12:30 PM: Discover some incredible street food. Steamed dumplings! Pork buns! And some kind of delicious, crispy pancake-thing. My tastebuds are rejoicing. And the best part? My wallet is staying happy too.
- 1:30 PM: THE GREAT TEMPLE RUN (Gone Wrong Edition): Vow to conquer the next temple on my list. Fail. Miserably. Decide to embrace the "lost" part of my itinerary.
- 2:30 PM: Explore a local park. Watch old men playing chess. Take a nap on a bench. It is the best nap I've had in years.
- 3:30 PM: Get caught in a torrential downpour. Suddenly, my new, super-cute, white sneakers become very, very brown.
- 4:00 PM: Find shelter in a small tea shop. Sip the most fragrant, delicious tea imaginable. Watch the rain lash against the windows. (Zen moment achieved! Until…)
- 4:30 PM: Realize I've somehow lost my phone. Panic. Deep breath. Rummage through my bag for the tenth time. Nothing. Great.
- 5:00 PM: Decide to eat some delicious, spicy noodles.
- 7:00 PM: Find the noodles, in my favourite restaurant.
- 8:00 PM: Go back to the room.
Day 3: Doubling Down on Deliciousness: The Night Market Nightmare (and Nirvana)
- 10:00 AM: Resolve to conquer the chaos. Recon! Research! Prepare for… a night market. (I heard they were a thing.)
- 11:00 AM: The most incredible breakfast! It was at a local cafe and it made me have a completely different perspective on the hotel, the city and me.
- 12:00 PM: Hit the streets again. But first, a nap.
- 2:00 PM: I return to my hotel.
- 3:00 PM: Contemplate a second nap.
- 4:00 PM: Embrace another trip to the noodle restaurant.
- 6:00 PM: Head to the night market. This is a sensory overload in the BEST way. The sights! The sounds! The smells! It's intoxicating.
- 6:30 PM: Attempt to eat everything. Everything. (Strategy? None. Just hungry.)
- 7:00 PM: THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS: Try to eat a whole grilled squid. It's HUGE. I fail miserably.
- 7:15 PM: Buy a stinky tofu from a vendor. The smell? Intense. The taste?… an acquired taste, to put it mildly. I try to be brave. I fail.
- 7:30 PM: Find myself stuck in a massive crowd. I get jostled. I nearly lose my balance. Start to panic. This is not fun anymore. (Maybe I'm not cut out for this whole "night market" thing.)
- 8:00 PM: The crowd starts to be less packed.
- 9:00 PM: Find heaven. A quiet stall selling shaved ice. Sweet, cold, fruity bliss. Eat the entire thing. My soul is soothed. I am in nirvana.
- 9:30 PM: Realize I haven't taken a single photo. Ugh. The ultimate travel sin.
- 10:00 PM: Stumble back to the hotel, absolutely buzzing from sugar and sensory overload.
- 11:00 PM: Pass out.
Day 4: Goodbye Taiwan (For Now)
- 8:00 AM: Wake up. Surprisingly, not hungover (from food, at least).
- 9:00 AM: Pack. (Still not very good at it).
- 10:00 AM: Last breakfast.
- 11:00 AM: Check out. Say goodbye to the lovely staff.
- 12:00 PM: Taxi to the airport.
- 1:00 PM: Reflect on the chaos. Taiwan, you were a whirlwind. A beautiful, slightly insane, occasionally terrifying whirlwind. I loved it. Even the dodgy curry. Especially the shaved ice. I will be back. (And next time, I'll pack more deodorant). Goodbye Simply Life Hotel. Thanks for the memories (and the brick wall view).
- 2:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Flight. Pray for no more curry-related nightmares.
So, what *is* this "Escape to Paradise" anyway? Sounds a bit... cheesy.
Cheesy? Honey, you ain't seen cheesy until you've spent 72 hours trying to decipher a Taiwanese street vendor's pigeon English while simultaneously battling jet lag and a rogue mango. This "Escape to Paradise" thing? It's supposedly a trip to the Simply Life Hotel in Taiwan. Think minimalist chic, breathtaking scenery, and... well, that's what the brochure *promised*, anyway. The reality? Let's just say my expectations and my actual experience had a screaming match. More on that later. It's a trip. A *complicated* trip.
Okay, I'm intrigued. Location, location, location: Where *exactly* in Taiwan is this supposed paradise?
Right, the location! They kept it pretty vague in the marketing materials, probably because "Slightly Outside Taipei Where the Air Quality Sometimes Resembles a Smog Monster" wouldn't sell many packages. It's technically near Taipei, but getting there felt like navigating a poorly-translated instruction manual while blindfolded. Think rolling hills, lush greenery... and the persistent hum of cicadas that burrowed deep into my soul. Seriously, I swear they're still buzzing in my head. But hey, at least the hotel *eventually* showed up.
What were the rooms like? Were they actually "Simply Life"? Or did they miss the "simplicity" memo?
Alright, the rooms. Ah, the rooms! They *were* minimalist, I'll give them that. Like, "so minimalist they forgot to add a trash can" minimalist. Seriously. I had to use a grocery bag for like, three glorious days of overflowing trash. And the lighting? A dim, ethereal glow that made me feel like I was living inside a perpetually cloudy day. The bed was comfortable, though. Silver lining! But the lack of proper power outlets? A *nightmare*. My phone died constantly, and my attempts to charge it using a dodgy adapter resulted in a near-fire hazard. "Simply Life" my foot. I had to channel a whole new level of *resourcefulness* just to function. I'm pretty sure I muttered "MacGyver" more than "good morning" during that trip.
And the food? Because let's be honest, great food can make or break a trip.
The food… Okay, here’s the thing. I *love* Taiwanese food. Seriously, I dream of night markets. The hotel's food? A mixed bag. The complimentary breakfast was… interesting. Let's just say "interesting" involved things like pickled vegetables that tasted suspiciously like old socks and some kind of gelatinous rice porridge. I tried it. I bravely tried it. And then I went to the 7-Eleven down the street and bought a sausage roll. Thank god for 7-Eleven! Lunch was…better. Dinner, usually even better. One night i had a fish that the hotel chef had *clearly* just caught from the nearby river. Absolutely divine! I ordered the same dish every single night for the rest of my visit. Though, I did get the feeling the chef got a little sick of me, since my orders were always ready before anyone else's.
Okay, what about the activities? Did you, you know, *escape*? Or just... exist?
Activities! They offered some "guided tours" which felt more like "guided herding." We were all shuffled around like sheep. I swear, the tour guide’s main skill was counting. "One, two, three, four… everyone accounted for? Good!" We visited a temple (gorgeous!), a tea plantation (delicious!), and a... something else I've completely forgotten. My memory is a sieve, people! I *did* break free from the herd one afternoon and wandered off to a nearby village. That's where I had the mango incident. God, the mango! It was perfect. Juicy, sweet, a tropical explosion in my mouth. And then… my stomach revolted. Let's just say that "Escape to Paradise" took on a whole new meaning that day. I spent a significant portion of the afternoon *hiding* in a public restroom, praying to the porcelain gods. The memory still makes me shudder, but in a weird, bonding kind of way. Seriously, that mango and I have a *history* now.
Did you meet anyone interesting? Did you connect with any fellow "escapers"?
Oh, the people! There were a few. One guy, let's call him "Gary from Gary's Tours," was obsessed with collecting hotel toiletries. Like, *obsessed*. I witnessed a full-blown, near-violent scuffle over a tiny bottle of shampoo. Then there was this couple who only spoke in Instagram captions. "Living my best life!" "Paradise found!" I wanted to scream. Honestly, the most interesting person I met was a stray dog who kept following me around and who, by the end, I desperately wanted to smuggle home. She was my true escape companion.
Okay, so final verdict: Would you recommend this "Escape to Paradise"?
Ugh. That's the million-dollar question, isn't it? Look, did I have a good time? Parts of it, yes. Would I go back? Maybe. But with *serious* caveats. If you're looking for absolute luxury and perfectly curated experiences? Look elsewhere. If you’re okay with a bit of chaos, a few stomach upsets, and a whole lot of "figuring it out as you go" then heck yeah! Pack light (you'll spend a LOT of time waiting for your luggage anyway), learn a few basic Mandarin phrases (trust me), and embrace the unexpected. Just... maybe avoid the mangoes. And for the love of all that is holy, bring your own power adapter.
What would you do differently if you went back?
Oh, where do I begin? First, I'd bring a power strip, a fully stocked first-aid kit (including a hazmat suit for the mango incident), and a phrasebook that included "Where is the nearest decent toilet?" and "Do you have any food that *won't* try to kill me?" Second, I'd ditch the organised tours and just wander. Get lost. Find the hidden gems. Third... hmmm... I'd bring a better camera. And maybe a dog. I'm still kicking myself for not bringing her with me. She was the *real* escape artist.
Anything else people should know?
