Switzerland's Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois: Unbelievable Luxury You HAVE to See!
Okay, buckle up, buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's hotel review! We're diving headfirst into the Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois in Basel, Switzerland. Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, from "OMG, luxury!" to "Wait, did I actually spend that much on a bathrobe?!" Let's get messy, honest, and utterly enthralled by this historical gem.
Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois: Unbelievable Luxury You HAVE to See! (But Seriously, Check Your Bank Account First)
Right, let's be upfront: this place screams money. It's the kind of place where the doorman's smile could probably melt glaciers. But, and this is a big but, it’s also… magical.
Accessibility (The Good and the "Meh")
Okay, let's get the boring (but important) stuff out of the way first. The info on accessibility is a little… vague. I can’t speak from personal experience of needing a wheelchair, but I have seen the elevator, and it seems passable. But seriously, always confirm specific needs before you book. The website is a little coy on the specifics, and frankly, I'm just trying to get to the champagne, which I'm sure they have. Oh, and I'd love to know if the pool with a view is wheelchair accessible. That's something I think I'd cry to see! (Good tears, hopefully.)
Rooms: Fit for a King (or at Least a Very Rich Prince)
The rooms? Forget minimalist chic. Think more… opulent maximalism. Think gold leaf, plush carpets you could happily sleep on (and I almost did!), and enough pillows to build a small fort. My room had a window that opened! (A small victory in these times of perpetually sealed hotels, I’ll take it.) Oh, and the bathrobes… sweet, luxurious, expensive cotton clouds. I may or may not have briefly considered escaping with it. The coffee/tea maker was top-notch. It was a proper cup of complimentary tea, not some sad bag in a paper cup. And, blessedly, blackout curtains. Those are my savior! The safe box felt secure. The complimentary bottled water was, well, complimentary, and that's always a win. It was very much a non-smoking room, which makes sense, because why would you sully such splendor with a cigarette?
- Stuff that matters: Air conditioning, alarm clock, bathroom phone, bathtub, carpeting, closet, desk, extra-long bed, free bottled water, hair dryer, high floor, interconnecting rooms available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, ironing facilities, laptop workspace, linens, mini bar, mirror, on-demand movies, private bathroom, reading light, refrigerator, satellite/cable channels, scale, seating area, separate shower/bathtub, shower, slippers, smoke detector, socket near the bed, sofa, soundproofing, telephone, toiletries, towels, umbrella, visual alarm, wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free]… All of it!
- Nitpicks: No additional toilet, no bidet? (Am I being too demanding?) The extra-long bed was great but a bit daunting. It's a lot of bed to navigate.
Internet & Connectivity (Because, Let's Be Real, We Can't Totally Unplug)
- Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Hallelujah! And it actually worked. Like, fast. No buffering during my mandatory Instagram stalking of travel influencers. Internet access – wireless and Internet access – LAN – Check! Internet services? Probably. I was so busy living in the moment. The Wi-Fi for special events must be wonderful!
- The Verdict: Excellent. No complaints. (Because if I complained, they'd probably have a technician at my door in 30 seconds.)
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: Prepare to Loosen Your Belt (and Maybe Remortgage Your House)
- Okay, let's be real. The restaurants are what dreams are made of. You HAVE to try at least one buffet. The Asian breakfast was sublime. The whole experience, however, has the potential to bankrupt you. The A la carte in restaurant is another option. Breakfast [buffet] offers everything. Buffet in restaurant is truly wonderful. The coffee/tea in restaurant is also great. Desserts in restaurant are a crime against diets. The International cuisine in restaurant is something to celebrate. Poolside bar looked amazing – I wish I had time to enjoy one. Restaurants include everything. Room service [24-hour]? Yes, please! Salad in restaurant, Soup in restaurant and Vegetarian restaurant are all to be enjoyed. I would have loved a Western breakfast. I'd like to note, the Western cuisine in restaurant is delicious.
- The Star: Honestly? The Happy hour at the bar was amazing. I met some fascinating people. It’s worth the price of admission alone.
- Nitpicks: The menus made my eyes water. I was very anxious about the prices. But, you know, you are there, so just go with the flow!
Things to Do, Ways to Relax (And Justify the Expense!)
- Spa Day, Anyone? The Spa, Sauna, Steamroom. Pool with view looked seriously tempting. I wished I had time to indulge, but alas. This place is built for relaxation. If you like massage, it's probably amazing. Fitness center, Gym/fitness. The Body scrub and Body wrap would be tempting. I did not indulge the Foot bath unfortunately.
- The Verdict: You come here to be pampered. Embrace it. Don’t even question spending the money. Just do it! I am now, forever, a Swimming pool convert.
Cleanliness and Safety: Feeling Secure, Even in These Crazy Times
- Okay, serious kudos to the staff. This place felt spotlessly clean. They've clearly invested in Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hand sanitizer everywhere. Rooms sanitized between stays, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items. They've also implemented a Safe dining setup . The Staff trained in safety protocol were all masked and very respectful of space. They followed all Hygiene certification. There was Physical distancing of at least 1 meter.
- Nitpicks: The Room sanitization opt-out available is a nice touch for those who prefer it. No complaints here. They are dedicated.
- The Verdict: Cleanliness and safety is the order of the day!
Services and Conveniences: Because You Deserve to Be Spoiled
- Where do I even begin? The Concierge is your magical genie. The Doorman is there to make you feel like royalty. Daily housekeeping? My room was spotless. Dry cleaning, Laundry service, Ironing service. The Luggage storage was seamless. There were facilities for disabled guests. They have the Elevator. They have a shrine? (I didn't see it, but I'm intrigued.) Cash withdrawal. Currency exchange. Gift/souvenir shop. Safety deposit boxes. Babysitting service. Family/child friendly. Meeting/banquet facilities available. Air conditioning in public area. Audio-visual equipment for special events. Business facilities. Cashless payment service. Check-in/out [express] and Check-in/out [private] is an interesting dynamic. Convenience store. Doorman. Essential condiments. Food delivery. Indoor venue for special events. Invoice provided. Outdoor venue for special events. Projector/LED display. Seminars. Snuggled up at the moment. Smoking area. Terrace. Wi-Fi for special events. Xerox/fax in business center.
- The Verdict: They've thought of everything.
For the Kids (Or, Let's Be Honest, For the Adults Who Want a Break)
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly - great! I saw a couple of kids there. They seemed to be enjoying their luxurious existence. Definitely worth it if that's your scene.
- Kids meal – probably amazing, because everything else is.
- The Verdict: I’m not a parent. But it looked good!
Getting Around (Because Your Chariot Awaits):
- Airport transfer made the journey a total breeze, worth the investment. Car park [on-site] and Car park [free of charge] are a godsend in
Okay, buckle up, buttercups. This isn't your sanitized, corporate-approved travel itinerary. This is me, about to drown in luxury (maybe literally, if I'm not careful around those fancy fountains), and spilling it all onto the page. Here's the chaotic, gloriously imperfect plan for my potential assault on the Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois in Basel, Switzerland:
Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois: Operation “Overwhelmed by Opulence”
Pre-Departure Ramblings (Because I'm already a mess):
- The Existential Dread: Booking this trip was a massive decision. I'm talking heart palpitations, second-guessing my life choices, the whole shebang. Do I even belong in a place where a single afternoon tea costs more than I spend on groceries in a month? Probably not. But here we are.
- The Panic Packing: My suitcase? A testament to my utter inability to pack light. It's an evolving organism of "just in case" outfits, because, you know, what if I need to attend a royal ball? (Spoiler: I won't. I'll probably spill something on my only decent dress.)
- The Swiss Chocolate Predicament: I'm already plotting my chocolate strategy. Research suggests I need to consume all the Lindt balls. Is there such a thing as too much chocolate? Don't answer that.
Day 1: Basel, Baby! (And the Crumbling of My Expectations)
- Morning (aka, The Arrival and Attempt to Act Sophisticated):
- Fly into Basel-Mulhouse-Freiburg Airport (BSL-MLH-FKB). This means three airports in one. Genius, Switzerland. Genius.
- Transportation Fiasco: Pre-booked a fancy transfer. I envision a sleek Mercedes, a suave driver, and effortless gliding. Reality? I’ll probably get lost in the airport, end up in a cargo bay, and have to negotiate with a bored customs official.
- Check-in: The Implosion Begins: Arrive at Les Trois Rois. Try to breathe. Attempt a charming "Bonjour, madame/monsieur" (which will probably come out as a strangled "Buh-johr!"). Expect to be intimidated by the doorman. Feel utterly out of place. Smile politely, pray my luggage isn't stained, and hope they don't see the panic in my eyes.
- Room Revelations: Unpack (eventually). Immediately discover a flaw: the view, though supposedly stunning, is clearly blocked by a particularly large, and frankly, smug-looking, gargoyle. Start secretly evaluating every amenity (bathrobes? Slippers? Nespresso machine? Must. Test. Everything. Immediately).
- Afternoon (aka, The First Taste of Grandeur):
- Lunch at Cheval Blanc (or the humbling experience of haute cuisine): Reservations made. Dress code: attempt elegance. Brace myself for a menu I'll probably have to Google. Try not to accidentally spill red wine on the pristine tablecloth. Order something I can actually pronounce. Pretend to enjoy the truffle oil even though I think it smells vaguely of… something.
- An Afternoon Stroll (aka, The Quest for a Decent Photograph): Explore Basel's old town. Wander the charming streets. Take way too many photos of the Rhine River. Get hopelessly lost. Accidentally trespass into someone's meticulously-manicured garden. Be overcome by the sheer prettiness of everything.
- Evening (aka, The Pretentious Drink and the Crippling Fear of Spending Money):
- Aperitifs in the Bar (aka, The Champagne of Anxiety): Order a cocktail. Pretend to know a thing or two about gin. Accidentally order the most expensive thing on the menu. Watch my bank account weep. Try to engage in scintillating conversation with someone (preferably someone who actually knows the difference between a Pinot Noir and a Pinot Grigio). Fail spectacularly.
- Dinner at the hotel restaurant (aka, the continued act):
- Food, Food, Glorious Food. Trying to decide. Look at the menu. Oh my god, the menu. Feeling some serious analysis paralysis. Want to try everything. But… the amount of food… the price…
- Early night (aka, The exhausted and grateful). Crash in my ridiculously comfortable bed, utterly bewildered by the fact that I'm even here. Review the day’s events, starting to plan for the next day.
Day 2: Basel's Treasures (and My Continued Ineptitude)
- Morning (aka, The Art Snobbery Attempt):
- Breakfast Attempt to eat something. Then try not to eat something. Not feeling like I can do the grand breakfast again. Perhaps I should go to outside locations. I'll be out and about.
- Visiting the Art Museum (The Real Test): Immerse myself in high culture at the Kunstmuseum Basel. Pretend to understand modern art. Stare blankly at something that looks like a pile of bricks for a solid 15 minutes. Accidentally bump into a very important-looking person and knock over their wine (just kidding… hopefully.) and feign an intelligent discussion about it.
- Afternoon (aka, The Shopping Spree I Can't Afford):
- Walking Through the City
- Basel Street Walk. The streets are very picturesque. It will be fun just to walk around.
- Walking Through the City
- Evening (aka, The Farewell Feast and the Sadness of Leaving):
- Dinner (aka, The Last Supper… of sorts): One final, truly extravagant meal. This time, I'm going all out. Lobster. Caviar. The works. (My bank account will never forgive me.)
- Packing.
- Farewell Drinks
- Final Reflections. Sit in the bar, reflect on the trip.
Departure Day: The Day I Try to Leave.
- The Wake: Try to sleep in, fight the urge to do all the last minute things.
- Check Out (aka, The Tears of Departure): Say goodbye to the gargoyle (I'll secretly miss him). Check out of the hotel, praying the bill doesn't give me a heart attack.
- Attempt to Depart (aka, The Airport Debacle Part II): Head back to the airport. Attempt to navigate security without losing my mind.
- Flight. Hope it goes well.
Post-Trip Debrief (Because the Drama Never Ends):
- The Emotional Fallout: I'll probably spend the next week recovering from the sensory overload. I'll obsessively check my bank account. I'll tell everyone every single detail of my ridiculously luxurious experience.
- The Verdict: Would I go back? Absolutely. Even if it means selling a kidney. The Les Trois Rois has probably broken me. But hey, at least I'll have some amazing stories, a slightly improved sense of self-importance, and a profound appreciation for the simple pleasures of life (like instant noodles). And also, a very large debt.
There you have it. My plan. My reality will likely be completely different. But that's the beauty of travel, isn't it? The glorious, unpredictable mess of it all. Wish me luck. I'll need it. And maybe some antacids.
Manila's Most Luxurious Secret: Lucky Hotel Awaits!
Grand Hotel Les Trois Rois: So Fancy It Actually Makes Me Nervous (But I LOVED It!) - FAQ
Okay, seriously... is it REALLY as luxurious as it looks in the pictures? 'Cause, you know, Instagram lies.
*Ugh*, those pictures. Yeah, it's worse – or *better*, depending on how you look at it! It's like walking into a time machine that only goes to the best possible version of 1844. The actual grandeur of the place... it's almost *overwhelming*. I walked into the lobby and genuinely felt underdressed in my *clean* jeans. Seriously, I was expecting some sort of velvet rope and hushed whispers demanding my credentials. Then you get that first whiff of... what *is* that scent?! Expensive, clean, history, and a touch of... I dunno, Swiss magic? It’s not just the chandeliers (which are insane), it's the *feeling*. You know you're in a place where people take everything *very* seriously (apart from my ability to not spill coffee).
What's the deal with the rooms? Are they actually worth the price tag? (Be honest!)
Okay, wallet-wincing moment... yes, they're expensive. Astronomically so. But... let's put it this way: I've stayed in places where the sheets *looked* like they'd been hand-picked by angels, then felt like sandpaper. At Les Trois Rois? The sheets are smoother than a politician's promises. I swear, I could HEAR my stress levels dissolving the instant my head hit the pillow. And the bathrooms! Marble, heated floors, enough towels to build a fort... it's ridiculous. I’m not even a bath person, and I almost took up residence in that gigantic tub. Was it worth it? Look, I'm not going to pretend I can afford this on a regular basis. But for a special occasion, or if you're feeling utterly burnt out and need to be pampered? Yeah, it's a splurge you might begrudgingly agree was worth it. Maybe. I'm still calculating the cost per blissful hour of sleep...
Is the service actually *good*, or is it the "pretentious fancy pants" kind?
This is where they REALLY shine. I was genuinely worried about this. You know, the whole 'eyes of judgement' thing when you order something simple? Nope! Honestly, the service is *impeccable* but not stuffy. They're genuinely friendly. I can be a *complete* klutz (more on that later), and they handled it with incredible grace. One time, I *accidentally* knocked a glass of water over during breakfast (totally my fault, butter fingers), and before I could even apologize, someone was there with a fresh napkin and a genuine smile. They weren't condescending, which I appreciated. They treated everyone (and I watched them!) with respect, from the impeccably dressed guests to the very… *me*. The staff remember your name, preferences, the whole shebang. It's that little extra bit of effort that makes all the difference.
Let's talk about the food! Michelin star or bust? (Or just... edible?)
Okay, the food. I sampled a few things... starting with breakfast. The buffet is a *work of art*. I'm not even kidding. I'm not sure what the actual Michelin star situation is, but the food is… *chef's kiss*. Breakfast alone could be its own art form. Seriously, the Swiss bread is a game changer! I ended up eating so much cheese from the buffet the first morning. They have the best Croissants (Seriously, where do they get these croissants?!). Then I had lunch in the Brasserie, a burger that put all other burgers to shame. And a dinner in the Cheval Blanc restaurant… I still dream about it. It's an experience, not just fuel. The presentation alone is worth the price, the tastes are even better! It's not just edible; it's an adventure.
Is there anything *bad* about the hotel? (Come on, spill!)
Alright, honest moment. My biggest issue? It's *almost* too perfect. There's a point where you start to feel… inadequate. Like you need to be a different, more sophisticated version of yourself to truly fit in. (And yes, I felt a little judging when my jeans didn't align with the general attire.) And the price, of course, is definitely a factor. You'll be checking your bank account *constantly*. The only other "complaint" is that it's easy to never want to leave! You could easily spend days just wandering the halls, admiring the artwork, and pretending to be a character in an old movie.
Okay, about the Klutz Incident... what *happened*?
Oh, the Klutz Incident. The *infamous* Klutz Incident. Right, so, remember I said I can be a klutz? Well, picture this: I'm having pre-dinner cocktails in the bar (delicious cocktails, by the way), and admiring (okay, gawking at) the stunning river view. Suddenly, I trip. Over *nothing*. I think the floor somehow jumped up and bit me. And in my flailing attempt to maintain my dignity and not embarrass myself too badly I also ended up accidentally bumping into a passing waiter, sending a platter with canapés (the fancy kind, with little edible flowers) flying through the air. I mean, it was the full disaster package. The waiter caught the platter, not a single canapé was harmed, and I was mortified! The staff, bless their hearts, were unbelievably gracious, pretended not to notice (even though *everyone* saw), and even brought me a complimentary cocktail "to calm my nerves." The fact that I recovered with grace is due to how kind they were. The incident should be a lesson to everyone.
Is it good for families?
I didn't see many families, but I'm sure it's fine. I mean, the staff is used to dealing with all sorts, But honestly, I think it's more geared towards couples, honeymooners, and people wanting a truly romantic experience. The atmosphere is very quiet and sophisticated. If your kid is prone to the occasional tantrum or likes to run wild, you *might* want to think twice. It's a "whisper in the library" kind of place, not a "splash in the pool" kind of place.
Would you go back?
In a heartbeat. Though my bank account might disagree! It's not just a hotel, it's an *experience*. It's escapWeb Hotel Search Site
